Quarantine Has Made Me Truly Happy
and Maybe For You Too.
I don’t miss anything. And it’s scary.
I don’t miss the bars, the cafes, the social obligations, the family reunions. None of it.
Of course, making money was nice, I do miss that. But saying that makes me look like a money-centered-type person. Which maybe I am. But then again, I still have bills to pay, so being able to do that is always nice.
Every day I get on Twitter or Instagram (and yes TikTok too) and people are complaining about how much they miss going to a bar or the click-bait titles like “I miss paying way too much for this small insignificant thing that I could easily make on my own, but what I’m trying to say indirectly is that I miss paying for the experience, not the product.”
I don’t want to go back to the anxiety-ridden world of social interaction.
I don’t hate them, I’m just not one of them.
At first, this scared me. I didn’t understand why I am perfectly happy not leaving my home or interacting with others.
For the first couple of days of quarantine, I kept myself busy emailing, messaging, and calling people. I was making sure my family was healthy, and my friends were safe.
As the days turned into weeks, however, I fell into a pattern. It took me a few weeks to notice it, even. It took me even longer to realize that this was probably some natural social habit of mine.
I don’t even want to look at the messaging parts of my phone. When someone texts me, I leave it as unread for… days. It takes me a week to respond to personal emails, and I definitely do not pick up the phone when someone calls.
And it's not that I don’t want to, but I just don’t have the mental energy to come up with a reply. I love the people in my life, I truly do. I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years because they think that I don’t want to respond, or that I just ignore them. My best friend and I only talk about once every couple of months. And that is probably why we are best friends. But that is a story for another day.
The more I stay at home, the deeper I get into this. And the scary part is, I truly enjoy it.
I don’t even like going to the grocery store. It’s a pain, a hassle, and it’s full of protocols of what not to touch, what to wear, and tracking everything. My husband is a germophobe so this pandemic has been great.
I’m afraid of when things open back up. I don’t want to go back to the anxiety-ridden world of social interaction. I don't want to go to the office and have the same conversation with every single coworker about what they did over the quarantine. I’m selfish, I guess.
But then again, maybe I’m not. Being forced to stay at home with only my husband and two cats has made me realize that all those expensive bars and social outings are just not for me. They were exhausting. I realize now how much energy I put into liking those experiences. How much time I agonized afterward about every single word I said and every action I took.
I have always had this strange inclining that I am an introvert. But every time I brought it up to coworkers or friends they laughed in my face because of how loud I am. And usually, yes, when I’m in a group, I’m the one at the center of attention. I would also feel like such a poser for saying I’m an introvert because somehow it turned into the “cool” thing. Like a hipster loving his beanie, being an introvert was a new brand.
People have been starting to love the phrase “But did you know, I’m ACTUALLY an introvert?” As if it were some sort of plot twist you just didn’t see coming. Or to make you feel guilty about how little you might know of them.
Now, I know more than ever that I am a full-flung introvert. And that makes me happy. And that happiness is a privilege. That is definitely not lost on me.
This time to fall into a natural pattern, to see what I would really do without my 9 to 5 job has made me realize that this pattern is my natural way of life. If it weren’t for needing to pay bills, I would be able to witness life from a distance through Medium articles, Instagram posts, and TikTok videos and be completely fulfilled.
It is okay to be happy alone.
So, when this quarantine ends and the bars and social engagements start coming in again, when I feel scared or exhausted, I now have a true understanding of why. I have a reason to tell people why I don’t respond, want to hang out, or just seem distant.
I can put aside time every week to engage with people with the understanding that the rest of the week will be focused on re-energizing, and engaging with my personal mental health. To understand that my needs are different than others and that that is okay.
I don’t need to feel exhausted at every social interaction, I can let myself fall to the background and witness life as I have been doing for the past month.
Thanks to quarantine, I am happy. Hopefully, there are many out there that can see through this fear of not wanting the same as the majority say they want, and see it as a true understanding of yourself. There is a way to be a part of people’s lives without having to be in them for every second.
